I've never been a big fan of the ellipsis.

I think it's an overused, cliche piece of punctuation that writers use illogically and without reason in hopes that it will conjure up some sort of deep thought from the reader. Plus, they look like anal beads. (e.g. The branches...they were swaying in the wind...and that's when I wondered if I would ever see her again...) Hm, fascinating.

It's also used to replace periods and commas, which just makes me want to light my ass hair on fire.

In print journalism, an ellipsis means a quote has been omitted, meaning the "journalist" can alter the quote any way they want and say they did so for the sake of space. (e.g. Mona, who witnessed the robbery, said, "These things tend to happen...wherever black people are...and I love...America[n cheese]!" Now Mona totally looks like an ignorant beeyotch when what she really said was, "These things tend to happen when we have a lazy, racist police force who only patrol the streets wherever black people are. And I love that show, America's Got Talent!") And since the general public believes everything mainstream media spews their way, Mona will probably have to move out of state and have a sex change.

Basically, the ellipsis is a superficial, backstabbing bitch.

Unfortunately, I had to face Miss Thang's wrath as I was critiquing a bunch of essays written by nurses who work at our hospital. The theme was "Adapting to Change", which is more generic than the off-brand Tylenol PM I take at night to escape this world of rogue ellipses.

One nurse's essay was literally a stream of consciousness. All of her sentences were separated with ellipses. All of them. No periods or commas. Her entire essay was a run-on sentence.

I really tried putting my snobbery aside when I was judging these, and in most cases, I'm able to overlook grammatical and punctuation errors as long as there is a strong message. But seriously? Ellipses throughout? No one talks that way except for William Shatner, and he's the only one allowed to do that.

Aside from the ellipsis, there was another overused writing technique these nurses loved using: Opening their essays with a famous quote or with something "Someone once told me...".

Let me preface this by saying I think opening with a quote in fiction or feature writing is totally fine. I think it helps set a scene without blatantly telling the reader in the first sentence what's going on. It eases the reader into the story and encourages them to actually keep reading. Plus, with fiction and feature writing, you're telling someone else's story. With essays, you're generally writing your thoughts and opinions.

For instance, in a feature I'm writing about hospital volunteers, I start the story with:

“He’d been ill for many years,” recalls Delores M. of her late husband.

This eventually leads into her self-awakening about how she had to get out and preoccupy herself after taking care of her sick husband for so long. This ties into the fact that her husband died at the hospital where she now volunteers, et cetera, et cetera. I didn't come out and say, "Delores M. is a volunteer at the same hospital where her husband passed away." That's just boring.

But starting an essay with a quote is pretty much the most cliche way to start an essay. It's a sign of desperation; a sign that you have no original thoughts of your own; that you're basing your entire essay off someone else's ideas and opinions. An essay should express your own thoughts, not Martin Luther King's or George Washington's for shit's sake.

Structurally speaking, your opening paragraph is the foundation of your essay. If I see you spouting off someone else's words at the very beginning, how does that add any validity to the rest of your essay? In my experience, essays that begin with a famous quote are usually watered-down afterthoughts or eye-rolling "realizations" the writer had based off said quote.

OK, I feel a lot better now. Are there any other writing habits or techniques that annoy the hell out of you, too?

Let's start with the living room, shall we?


Admittedly, I was overwhelmed by the wood paneling at first sight and had to stop myself from dousing the room in holy water. The new carpeting helped counteract this initial reaction, and I knew I could learn to accept the wood paneling for what it was - an unfortunate byproduct of the 70s. The living room is probably my favorite room in the house, mostly because it has my new TV, Xbox and DVD player. But I also like it because it's in the front of the house, which I'll explain shortly.


There's my new Sony Bravia, complete with a third dimension beckoning me from the screen.

Next is the kitchen/dining area.