Friday, 10 July 2009

  • The First Few Shots


    Here are the first few shots I took with my Canon Rebel XSi. There was absolutely nothing interesting to photograph within walking distance, so you're going to have to endure the unoriginal close-up flower shot...and a mutilated naked doll.


    1. body parts


    2. she gives good head (high five?)



    3. a flower...how exciting.



    4. The trombone man statue my aunt got me for Christmas. She also bought me a scented candle that year...



    4. more flowers (yawn)



    5. A close-up of the patio table.




    Once again, I apologize for the lack of interesting subjects, but I'm impressed with the clarity and color. Hopefully Florida will give me something to work with!

  • An Unabridged Lovelyish Post

    Whenever I go to YouTube, I look at what videos are featured or being watched. I don't know why I do this, since the majority of of these videos are always one of four things:

    1. A video focusing on an already overexposed topic (right now, it's Michael Jackson tribute videos and New Moon previews).
    2. A video plugging a product or event. (YouTube has become commercialized to a sickening point.)
    3. Annoying YouTube celebrities who are popular because they either A) are hot, or B) do nothing but parody or make fun of pop culture.
    4. Makeup tutorials.

    I think it's the makeup tutorials that bother me the most. For one, they're only popular if the girl is stick thin and generically attractive to begin with. And secondly, they spend an inordinate amount of time and money on something that basically makes them look like a clownish whore. I also can't help but think of what a pain in the ass it must be to take all that makeup off at the end of the day, only to have to go through the same process a few hours later.

    I've seen this girl (username JuicyStar07) the past couple of times on YouTube's front page. Her tutorials are becoming very popular and have garnered her much praise, so maybe I'm in the minority here when I say she looks ridiculous.



    Is this really a "hot" look for girls these days?



    This is her neutral look? I get the feeling that if she has a boyfriend, all of his shirts are permanently discolored from any physical contact they have (i.e. hugs, when she puts her head on his shoulder, if she turns around too fast and a glob of lip gloss flies across the room and hits him).



    Also, while we're on the subject of her face, I need to point out her tan. Ladies (and men who have no penis), tanning beds are not the answer. They destroy your skin and make you look artificial, even if you are a genuinely kind, considerate and interesting person. I've seen so many girls that I want to walk up to and say, "Please, stop tanning before it's too late. You look weird, and by age 30, you'll look 45." If you are an attractive woman, your skin tone shouldn't matter. Here's proof that you can be hot and pale:



    The scariest part about these makeup tutorials is the impression they're leaving on young girls. I know that's cliche to say, but I'm talking young young girls. Here's JuicyStar07's little sister getting into the act, and she's only six.



    Go outside and play, little girl. Spill Kool-Aid on yourself. Get grass stains on your jeans. Read a book. You're too young to be a superficial bitch.

Thursday, 09 July 2009

  • New Camera!

    I just bought the Canon Rebel XSi with kit lens off Amazon. I was determined to have it for my trip to Florida, because I figured that would be a really cool place to play with it. Hell, I'm excited just to take pictures of the awesome food I'm going to eat!

    Since we're leaving next Tuesday, I chose overnight delivery so that I could have the weekend to test it out. This is the first time I've ever used overnight delivery, so I'm a little nervous about it. Hopefully it will get here tomorrow like Amazon says it will (and in one piece).

    I was also worried about the additional fee for overnight delivery. For some reason, the original total said it was going to cost me $70 extra, which was pretty much out of the question. Then I went back later, determined that the fee would change...and for some reason it did. I have no idea why the total came out differently. I quadruple-checked to make sure it was the same camera, and it was.

    Overnight delivery is apparently only going to cost me $23.95. All together, the total came to $705.84. At Wal-Mart, this camera is $799.99 before tax, and at Best Buy, it was $749.99, so it looks like I still got a pretty good deal. Once I get acquainted with using the camera, I'll buy another lens for it; I'm thinking a macro would be really cool (albeit 500 more dollars ).

    I never would have thought Wal-Mart would be the most expensive place. Isn't that yellow smiley face supposed to be slashing prices? Maybe he was on a smoke break.

Monday, 06 July 2009

  • Won't You Be My Daddy?

    On my way to work this morning, I was listening to an all hip-hop station on Sirius XM called The Heat. I listen to this station a lot on my morning commute, because the beats get me pumped up for work. It’s like my own personal Jock Jams. (Wow, how white did that sound?)

    On occasion though, the songs are way too raunchy and gangster for me to digest at 7:30 a.m., and that’s when I switch over to The Coffee House, a station dedicated to playing mellow acoustic songs for Moby look-alikes. For example, a song like “Get Low” by Lil’ John is so incongruous with a Monday morning commute that I have to change the station to something a little more Coldplayish. My life’s soundtrack must be in sync at all times.

    So I was almost all the way to work without changing The Heat when what sounded like a little girl’s voice starting playing on the radio.

    I need a daddy. Daddy.
    Won’t you be my daddy? Daddy?

    “My God, that poor child,” I said out loud. (No, really, I said that out loud. I think I talk more in my car when I’m by myself than when I have passengers. Thank goodness for the whole “I’m on a Bluetooth headset” excuse - although I guess I need to own one first before I can use that excuse.)

    I looked down at the radio and saw that the name of the song was “Wetter” by Twista.

    Then the little girl sang the next lyric:

    Come and make it rain down on me.

    “Oh, how lovely,” I said. “A young, mislead woman who was obviously sexually and/or emotionally abused by her father is asking for Twista to be her domineering sex partner and ejaculate all over her.”


    Now I’m no prude – I’m quite familiar with the term “daddy” when used in a sexual context (from personal experience), but this girl’s voice just sounds sad and vacant. Couldn’t she have said it more sultry and seductive?

    Or she could have at least sounded like she’s having fun, like in Petey Pablo’s song “Freek-a-Leek”. In that song, she asks “How ya like it, daddy?” approximately 5,000 times and says it with enthusiasm every time. She sounds sexually liberated, not sexually abused.

    I don’t know - am I weird for finding Twista’s new song “Wetter” disturbing? How do you feel about the word “daddy” being used as a sexual reference? You should probably bring this topic up at your next family function.

Sunday, 05 July 2009

  • I Need a Photographer's Opinion

    Photographers of Xanga, I need some advice on buying a new camera.

    First, there's the Canon Rebel XSi 12.2 MP. I've been reading customer reviews on Amazon and so far, the overall consensus is that it's a good DSLR camera for beginners. Plus, it's "only" $650, which is a comfortable price for me.

    I was also looking at the Canon EOS 50D 15.1 MP, but at $1,300, it's more than I'd like to spend, especially since I'm not a professional by any means. I could afford it, but the question is, do I want to afford it? Is it a camera I could slowly learn how to use until I reach its full potential? Or would it be like giving a toddler an uzi?

    I currently use a Canon PowerShot S2 1S, and it's been a great little camera so far. But I've had it for about four years, and I'd like to make photography a regular hobby. Plus, it only takes AA batteries, and it eats through them like crazy.

    Thoughts on either one of them, or any other camera? I'm open to the possibility of a Nikon.     Also, are there any photography books you suggest?

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

  • Currently
    The Stand: Expanded Edition: For the First Time Complete and Uncut (Signet)
    By Stephen King
    see related

    Xanga Helped Me Get a Job!

    I was recently offered a job because of my blog here on Xanga. Cool, huh?

    A couple of weeks ago, my friend texted me and said he found a blogging job online that I should apply for. A site targeting PR and marketing professionals was looking for bloggers who could post twice a week. Since I’m in marketing and enjoy blogging so much, it sounded like a great opportunity.

    When I applied for it, I decided to add my Xanga blog to my resume, along with a couple of PDF links to my published clips.

    I’ll admit I was hesitant about mentioning my blog. I kind of felt like I was giving them access to my personal diary, ‘cause let’s be honest – I’ve written an inordinate amount of posts involving poop (and not even my own in some cases).

    Then last week, I got an email from the assistant editor of OffSet Media offering me the job. He said he enjoyed reading through my blog, even quoting something I said in one of my posts.

    I’m excited about contributing to their site, and the cool part is that some of my writing will be featured front and center on TalentZoo’s home page. TalentZoo is “The #1 site for Ad, Marketing & Media Professionals”, so I’ll get some really good exposure with that.

    Click here to check out my first blog for them. (If you leave a comment on it, I'll bake a pie and leave it on my windowsill for you to steal.)

    Have you ever thought about using your blog for professional reasons? More and more people are doing this as a way to showcase their creative talents, kind of like an online portfolio. This can be an invaluable resource for you to have if you plan on having a career involving writing or graphic design, as 99.9 percent of employers will ask for samples of your work.

    Sorry, I’m starting to sound like a public service announcement; I just think it’s awesome that I got a job because someone liked my blog, and better yet, it was the first time I ever mentioned my blog in my resume. I guess that means it's worth mentioning from now on!

    Anyway, to those of you who complain about Xanga and accuse it of being “dead”, my advice is that you take responsibility for your own blog’s success. It’s kind of ridiculous to rely solely upon The Xanga Team to bring traffic your way. Yes, I've been featured, which brings a temporary boost in traffic, but in no way does it mean you'll have a popular blog. I've been fortunate enough to maintain a loyal readership with what I write. It’s your blog, so it’s your responsibility to create good content and market it in a way that attracts people. There is a world outside of Xanga, you know. A lot of my readers don’t even have a Xanga account; they subscribe to me using Google Reader or RSS feed.

    Anyway, thanks Xanga for being my outlet, and thank you readers for supporting me and making blogging fun, which is what it’s all about!

    Hooray! *celebratory jean short jump in the air*


     
    (Damn, my legs look like sticks in this picture.)

    Update: The blog is featured on TalentZoo's homepage. It's called "Ashton Kutcher: Twitter King, Box Office Flop".

Friday, 19 June 2009

  • "Almost" Raped by a Mannequin

    I had a rare, spur-of-the-moment urge to go shopping for clothes the other day. I knew I had to act fast – otherwise I’d lose my courage and be doomed to a summer completely void of any sort of fashion sense. I’m pretty sure my friends were already referring to me as “That Guy Who Wears the Same Three Pairs of Cargo Shorts He Bought in 2006”.

    I was in the middle of washing my car when this impulse struck me, so I threw down the hose and drove to the mall as quickly as possible. I couldn’t let anything distract me – not even the fact that I had forgotten to put on deodorant that morning. There was no time to dwell on such trivial, pungent matters.

    I hate our mall. I hate everything about it. Unless you’re a tacky, plus-sized, middle aged woman or a thundercunt teeny bopper, your choice in stores is limited. As in THE Limited. Or Hot Topic. Plus, I tend to hate buildings that contain masses of wandering idiots.

    Out of the entire mall, my only options were Old Navy and American Eagle.

    I like Old Navy’s shirts because they’re cheap and plain. I don’t want any clothes with labels all over them, and I don’t want any of that ugly argyle shit. Just give me a plain t-shirt, and I’m good to go.

    My only problem with Old Navy was the new mannequins they have. They reminded me of those creepy 1950s mannequins found on radiation test grounds, like in The Hills Have Eyes. I’d see them staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Just watching and taunting me. One started making out with me, so I had to blow my rape whistle.



    On the way to American Eagle, I passed Hollister and wondered why I ever shopped there. That place is a cavernous pit from hell. It’s too loud, dark, and every employee I’ve ever encountered (that is if I can find one) is rude and unhelpful. Plus, now I’m too large for any of their clothing.

    A few months ago, I went there to look for jeans and could not find anything above a size 30 waist. I left, feeling defeated and horribly misshapen.

    I lucked out at American Eagle and bought six pairs of shorts, a few shirts and two hats. I was a man on a mission in there, and my focus paid off.

    I’m good to go for a few more years now.

Friday, 12 June 2009

  • Currently
    Day by Day Armageddon (A Zombie Novel)
    By J. L. Bourne
    see related

    Men with Vaginas

    Remember Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man? He just gave birth to his second child a few days ago. Can you believe it? A man giving birth. What a miraculous, unexplainable scientific oddity! This deserves a ton of media coverage!

    Oh, but here’s a little tidbit of information: Thomas was once named Tracy. And he’s got a fucking vagina.

     

    Wow, so a woman with hairy armpits and a flat chest popped out two kids? Now if that’s not Oprah-worthy, I don’t know what is.

    Sarcasm aside, I’ll try to make my feelings about gender reassignment surgery brief and to the point: I don’t get it.

    And you know why I don’t get it? Because I’m not them. I haven’t lived their life. I don’t know what goes on inside their mind. I have no right to tell them what they can and can’t do.

    But in the end, my personal belief is that one should embrace the gender they are born with. Spending tens of thousands of dollars just to alter your appearance and screw with your body’s natural processes seems foolish, not to mention dangerous.

    But what I REALLY don’t get is the legal system’s outlook on gender reassignment.

    Chastity Bono, lesbian daughter of Sonny and Cher, announced she will undergo a sex change operation and marry her partner of several years. They both live in California, where gay marriage isn’t legal.



    But once Chastity, aka “Chaz”, reaches a certain stage of her sex change, she and her partner will be allowed to get married like any straight couple.

    This is where I start having trouble wrapping my mind around the whole concept of “gay marriage” and how it’s defined.

    Apparently, most judges “do not require a genitalia switch as a prerequisite to a sex change”. This means that once Chaz has her breasts removed, she’ll be allowed to marry her girlfriend.

    Because having no tits and a vagina totally makes you a man in the legal sense.

    So what the hell is gay marriage now? It doesn’t make sense to me why the legal system would bypass the gay marriage ban based on a woman’s lack of boobs. On the other hand, would a gay man only need breast implants to marry his partner?

    Is it really no longer considered “gay” when a woman has her breasts surgically removed and marries another woman?

    Is it really a man having a baby if the man used to be named Tracy and has a vagina?

    What about women who’ve had to endure a mastectomy? I take it they’re no longer women?

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